


Closing Costs

by storiewriter



Series: Bentley Farkas and Friends [28]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Family, Friendship, Gen, House Hunting, Multimedia, Trauma, in the sense that its not narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22236274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiewriter/pseuds/storiewriter
Summary: Torako, Bentley, and Dipper all go house hunting. Unfortunately, the task is a lot more complicated than one would initially presume.
Series: Bentley Farkas and Friends [28]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/278475
Comments: 32
Kudos: 84





	Closing Costs

**Author's Note:**

> Just a silly little fic exploring the Ben Trio as they try to buy their first home :)

**CORDALINE GABLES**

Senior Sales Associate

[hello@cordgab.org](mailto:hello@cordgab.org)

Phone HomeStar Inc. Messaging

Originally from Fairfax, Old Jersey, Cordaline Gables made her home in Norfolk over a decade ago, and has worked in real estate for nineteen years. She double-majored in Business and Transcendence-Age Architecture at the prestigious University of San Antonio. Her expertise is in finding gems hidden in the crooks and corners of suburban Norfolk, but she is additionally skilled at scouting lovely apartments and homes further away from the city center. When she isn’t matching clients to their dream homes, Cordelia enjoys playing recreational badminton with her partner and taking long walks together with their beloved dog, Sniffles. Please place your trust in Cordelia!

Audio Version Non-English Versions Font Adjustment

* * *

**New Automated Message:** New Customer Application Form

NAME: Torako Lam

PARTNER: Yes [2] ; NAME: Bentley Farkas ; NAME: Tyrone Pines

CHILDREN: No

AGE: 27 ; DOB: June 17 3016

PHONE EMAIL

PRICE RANGE: Up to $350,000 flexible ~~inflexible~~

LOCATION: Within [75]km from [Niklakka Labs]

SIZE: 450—600 m2

BD: [3+] 

BTH: [1.5+] 

K: [Yes] 

LR: [No]

GRG: [No]

BY/GDN: [Yes] 

à SIZE: 125—175 m2

ADDITIONAL REQUESTS HERE:

\--No dimensional subspaces

\--Away from magically-charged hotspots

\--Customizable Security Systems

\--Garden Shed on premises, please

\--Large Windows a Plus

Thank you for accommodating us! We look forward to hearing back about the properties under your purview and making our viewing appointments!

* * *

To: [tora@lam.com](mailto:tora@lam.com)

From: [hello@cordgab.org](mailto:hello@cordgab.org)

SUBJECT: Hello from Homestar Realtors!!

RECEIVED: July 19th, 3042

Dear Torako Lam,

It’s a pleasure to make your virtual acquaintance! My name is Cordelia Gables, and I’m your HomeStar Inc. appointed estate agent. I look forward to working with you and fulfilling your needs in this new chapter of your life. I have attached a list of five properties that I think may fit your needs. Please view them with your partners and let me know if there are any that don’t fit your specifications so that we may get them out of the way before viewing the homes in person. I await your reply at your earliest convenience!

Sincerely,

Cordelia Gables

HomeStar Inc. Realtors

**House Profile 1/5:**

1345 16th Avenue

Norfolk, VA 68C 22980

4 Beds | 2 Bath | 529 m2 | $298,000

[49 img]

A lovely four-bedroom family home, this property includes high-quality faux-wood flooring, recently renovated wallboard, and a lovely spiral staircase straight out of a 2500’s property magazine. The kitchen boasts a brand-new stove and oven set as well as a state of the art StayFridge™ made from the finest recycled materials from North Africa. The front garden is already blooming with the loveliest daphnes, and the entire property is fenced in by rosebushes. The backyard is perfect for the smallest feet, whether those be of children or beloved pets. Don’t forget the stylish and practical EverExpanding Cabinetry installed in every part of the house—you will never run out of storage space! Each bathroom boasts a shower-tub combo, and the upper floor bathroom comes with gorgeous hand-tiled floors.   
  


**House Profile 2/5:**

195 St. Phillip’s Crtwy.

Norfolk, VA 68C 22980

3 Beds | 3 Bath | 501 m2 | $311,000

[12 img]

This three-bedroom, three-story property sits in the center of the city, a mere five-minute’s walk from two elementary schools and ten minutes from the nearest junior high school. While the original structure dates back all the way to 2258, its most recent renovation was completed less than five years ago in 3039. You are certain to love the open kitchen-dining-living room setup that comprises the bottom floor, leaving the remaining three beds and two baths on the upper two floors. Each bedroom has a Magical View Window, with settings that include worldwide destinations as well as the default ‘Real’ setting for those who prefer to stay close to home. Comes with a Laundry Room in an AltBasement. Gardening space and shed included.

**House Profile 3/5:**

98 Summer Estates 29¾ th St.

Norfolk, VA 68C 22981

5 Beds | 2.5 Bath | 598 m2 | $253,000

[28 img]

Don’t let this house’s exterior fool you! This customizable and generous home is sure to make you feel a sense of belonging inside with its cozy ethically-sourced carpets, warm ReelWoodTM paneled walls, and burnished staircase leading to a second floor. This home includes a basement for any storage needs as well as an attic! An antique kitchen with a real non-stasis fridge are sure to fill you with longing for older, simpler times away from the busy heyday of modern life and modern worries. While the garden needs some tender love in the front (perfect for those who love a project!), the back hosts two sheds and plenty of space to grow your own produce!

**House Profile 4/5:**

637 S. Felicity Dr.

Norfolk, VA 68C 22982

4 Beds | 2 Bath | 645 m2 | $290,000

[118 img]

Comfortably situated in the hilly outskirts of Norfolk, this property will let you live out all your rural life fantasies without sacrificing the conveniences of urban living. Located close to a municipal transport station and within a ten minute’s bike ride of a small neighborhood shopping center, this two-story house boasts an expansive front porch and a balcony off the master bedroom. Each bedroom is larger than average, and each bathroom has a shower/tub room separate from the toilet and wash sink. The kitchen is recently renovated with state of the art appliances included in the price of purchase. The grounds around the property are large enough for both a garden and for outdoor activities such as badminton or good old fashioned tag. A basement provides adequate storage space without the hassle of dimensional subspace installment or upkeep.

**House Profile 5/5:**

12841 NE 112th Pl.

Norfolk, VA 68C 22981

3 Beds | 1.5 Bath | 398 m2 | $215,000

[56 img]

Boasting a reasonably large garden, this cozy home is at the southern end of the city, within convenient distance of a major hospital, a police station, and several schools. Public transportation is not an issue! And neither will be cooking in the quaint kitchenette, set directly across a furnished dining room. One bedroom and half bathroom are on the bottom floor, and the remaining rooms are located on the second floor. Please see the attached images for more information!

* * *

**July 19 th**

**KoraTora**

I’ve forwarded you the message the realtors sent me. Objections to any of these before I comb through them for my own preferences?

**DipTipTyrone**

i still vote we just shack up with the sheep

**KoraTora**

Oh my stars dips that’s

we agreed that’s not a possibility

we would literally go insane

**Bentley:**

No, we would go mad almost immediately

Yes what Tora said

Um, looking at them, House 1 is out for sure. You sure you specified no extra-dimensional subspaces?

**KoraTora**

You know I did

**DipTipTyrone**

i got a perfectly good house up there. antique. ud love it. historians dream. excellent neighbors too. dont pry. no drama.

also protip house3 has some srs bad vibes. I think I actually recognize the basement wallpaper, on second thought.

**KoraTora**

????

**DipTipTyrone**

Yeah, that striping—oh, that was a pretty good one. Didn’t need to answer a call for the following five years.

**Bentley**

In that case, I think we’re not going to do house 3, Tora.

**KoraTora**

Ohshit

Whaddya mean, Ben?? Don’t want to live there?? It could???? Be fun!!!!

**Bentley**

Yeah no

**KoraTora**

Roger that, no worries.

So no to 1 and 3, any others problematic?

Oh wait Ben, u might want to take another look at 2 if u haven’t already.

**Bentley**

?

What do you mean, it looked fine?

3 stories are good by me

Sure the counters in the kitchen are ugly in the photos but?

**DipTipTyrone**

AltBasement and Magic Windows

u wont like them

**Bentley**

Oh

Okay, then 1-3 are all out. You good with 4 and 5, Tora? Dip?

**KoraTora**

Yeah I hated 2’s counters too

So I’m good with checking 4 and 5 out for now.

We can always see others after this too!!

**DipTipTyrone**

youre the ones actually living there

**KoraTora**

Don’t u start on that mister

ur living with us, even if you’re not _always_ around

**Bentley**

It’s gonna be your home too, you know

Anyways, I can make time for an appointment next week, Tora, so don’t worry about timing on my end too much

They keep trying to send me home early anyways. Keep talking about PTSD and resting and whatever.

**KoraTora**

What happened??

I will drag you home

And lay on you

And make you rest

**Bentley**

Nothing happened!! They’re just worried

All the time

…Dipper you did not show up at the front desk.

This is not a good place for you

Dipper

**KoraTorako**

Dipper yes!!

But also no!!!!!!

**DipTipTyrone**

We’ll be home soon.

Love you.

**KoraTorako**

<3

But also that was dumb shit you just pulled

* * *

**Appointment Notice**

7/21/42

SSA: Gables, ID 980039385

CLIENT: Torako Lam +2, ID 64239

PROPERTIES: House #4428, House #6609

START TIME: 10:30, from HomeStar Inc. HQ

END TIME: 12:30, SPECIAL ALLOWANCE Late Lunch Hour, Gables, ID 980039385

NOTES:

Will initially view House #4428 before venturing out to the outskirts of Norfolk to view House #6609. Hopefully one suffices; if not, consider suggesting Houses #1103, #4345, and #3327.

Potentially choosy clients.

* * *

**Shari Ndadia, 11:28 AM**

Cords, I heard you’re back early?

What happened?

**Cordelia Gables, 11:29 AM**

My intuition was right, they are uncannily choosy clients

We didn’t even make it into 4428 before one of them stopped still and said ‘No.’

**Shari Ndadia, 11:29 AM**

Holy shit

What??

What was it?? It couldn’t have been the exterior. It was so nice in the pics I’ve seen.

You always snatch up the nice ones.

**Cordelia Gables, 11:30 AM**

Apparently

The InvisiFence was too magical

**Shari Ndadia, 11:30 AM**

What the?

But, like, almost all the houses in Norfolk proper have InvisiFences?

**Cordelia Gables, 11:30 AM**

Exactly

Which is why I thought ‘oh thank God we’ve got 6609, no InvisiFence’

And it went well at first, but then I told them about the security system

And the tall one was like ‘oh no’

And I was also like ‘oh no’

**Shari Ndadia, 11:32 AM**

Wait

Wait

You’re still at square one with these clients?

**Cordelia Gables, 11:32 AM**

Yes.

**Shari Ndadia, 11:32 AM**

You? Queen of Sales?

She Who Strikes Yes On At Least One Initial Property?

**Cordelia Gables, 11:33 AM**

Like I said: choosy.

**Shari Ndadia, 11:33 AM**

What was wrong with the security system?

**Cordelia Gables, 11:33 AM**

Not customizable

Though to be fair

They probably were only going to give that house a maybe

They weren’t too thrilled about the stasis fridge

**Shari Ndadia, 11:35 AM**

…choosy.

I wish you luck with them. You going to go through our backlog of communal properties yet?

**Cordelia Gables, 11:36 AM**

I’m not that desperate yet.

* * *

To: [olpink@homstar.com](mailto:olpink@homstar.com)

From: [cogable@homestar.com](mailto:cogable@homestar.com)

SUBJECT: Issue with Client Lam [64239]

RECEIVED: July 30th, 3042

Mx. Pinkflax

I regret to inform you that I have truly exhausted all of our listed properties for Client Lam and her partners. They have refused everything I have offered; I wonder myself if the property they want even exists within Norfolk. Between their confusing and adamant disdain for any kind of dimensional subspace (including things as mundane as storage spaces) and their insistence on customizable security systems, as well as their avoidance and hesitance around any kind of technology that involves stasis in any way, shape, or form, it has been impossible to fulfil their needs with the properties available to us.

My suggestion moving forward is to either assign them to another Realtor within HomeStar, or to transfer their entire application to another company. If I recall correctly, you are on friendly terms with Lindquist Realtors. Perhaps something in their directory will suffice.

Sincerely

Cordelia Gables

-

To: [cogable@homestar.com](mailto:cogable@homestar.com)

From: [olpink@homestar.com](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)

SUBJECT: RE: Issue with Client Lam [64239]

RECEIVED: July 30th, 3042

Cordelia,

Are you sure there’s nothing? You’ve gone through the communal backlog? I’ve looked over the application and I have some thoughts. What about House #7421? Or #8577? They’re a bit above price range, but I believe they could work.

Olive Pinkflax

-

To: [olpink@homstar.com](mailto:olpink@homstar.com)

From: [cogable@homestar.com](mailto:cogable@homestar.com)

SUBJECT: RE: Issue with Client Lam [64239]

RECEIVED: July 30th, 3042

Mx. Pinkflax,

With all due respect, I have met with this trio every day for the last week. I dug into the backlog. I have recommended over 50 properties and shown them about a third of those. I was close with #4443, but the damn pet flap and subspace pet room killed it. If I don’t get a break from dealing with these very nice, very terrible clients, I will explode. The brown haired one has taken to very poorly concealed laughter whenever the hoodie-mask one refuses to set foot on the property. I cannot.

If you have ideas of properties that would suffice, please be my guest. It would be nice to get back into the practical side if things, wouldn’t it?

Sincerely,

Cordelia Gables

* * *

**OLIVE PINKFLAX**

Senior Realtor

[hello@pinkoliv.org](mailto:hello@pinkoliv.org)

Phone HomeStar Inc. Messaging

Born and raised in Norfolk, Olive Pinkflax hasn’t always wanted to be in the real estate business. They studied History of Architecture and Design in Georgia at the University of Savannah with the intent of pursuing a career in either graphic design or interior decorating. They then went abroad to work at non-profit agencies for a total of five years—in which the job market back home changed, largely at the fault of the Recession of 2978. Due to a lack of job openings, however, they eventually took a secretarial position at UniqNorfolq, a small real-estate business. There, they learned the tools of the trade due to insufficient staffing. By 2995, UniqNorfolq had become HomeStar under Pinkflax’s capable hand. While still small, they have grown the company into a name synonymous with quality, perseverance, and dedication to their clients. When not busy at their company, Pinkflax enjoys painting at home and doting on their pet rat, Squeakums. 

Audio Version Non-English Versions Font Adjustment

* * *

**Client Transfer Notice, HomeStar Inc. Realtors**

7/30/42

CLIENT: Torako Lam +2, ID 64239

ORG SSA: Gables, ID 980039385

NEW SSA: Pinkflax, ID 980012114

REASONING:

Client Lam and her partners have proven to be challenging cases. As this is the case, I have decided that the current best course of action would be to handle their properties personally. Attached to their case file are a list of all the properties that they have been recommended and shown, as well as notes describing their reasons for discontinuing interest. I am open to collaboration and ideas.

Pinkflax

* * *

**July 31 st **

**KoraTorako**

We’ve been transferred to another Realtor at HomeStar, guys. Apparently it’s the owner of the company.

**Bentley**

I was afraid this would happen.

We’re being so picky.

**DipTipTyrone**

Better to be picky now and end up with what we want later!

A quickly made deal is always worse for the receiving party. Better to bide our time.

**KoraTorako**

Yeah, what Dip said

Also, of course we’re picky??? We’re traumatized.

We’re allowed to be picky, even if they don’t know why.

**Bentley**

I mean…I could live with a subspace we’d never use, I guess

**KoraTorako**

No

**DipTipTyrone**

No

**Bentley**

Why??

It’s my hangup

**KoraTorako**

You’re already compromising on stasisware

**Bentley**

We can always replace that!!

**KoraTorako**

So?? It still makes you super uncomfortable for completely valid reasons.

I still think we shouldn’t compromise on that.

**Bentley**

If we didn’t compromise on that

There would be nothing in Norfolk

I’m starting to think there _is_ nothing with our current demands

The house on Clement was cute, wasn’t it? It was nice!

**DipTipTyrone**

It had the subspace pet flap

**Bentley**

That we’d never use!!

**KoraTorako**

You looked ready to start sparking

Or glittering

And also you had that ‘I’m on the edge of reexperiencing all of my recent traumas’ face on

**Bentley**

If I can deal with everything in daily life

I can deal with a pet flap

**KoraTorako**

But it’s our home

You shouldn’t have to deal with it at home

This is supposed to be a safe space.

**DipTipTyrone**

Home isn’t daily—ok Torako got me.

**Bentley**

It’d be better than the apartment we’re living in right now

Which

If you remember

Is where I got kidnapped from

**DipTipTyrone**

I do keep mentioning we can live with the Sheep

**KoraTorako**

You make a fair point, Bentley  
But also, this is a house we’re going to be in for a long while

Let’s make it worth it, ok?

**Bentley**

I

Fine, whatever

**KoraTorako**

I don’t want us to live here either

If we need to we can, I don’t know, AirDrop an apartment for a couple months

Keep our stuff in the apartment so that we don’t have to move it all immediately

We can make this work, Ben. We can have our steak and eat it too.

…

Bentley?

* * *

**Appointment Notice**

8/03/42

SSA: Pinkflax, ID 980012114

CLIENT: Torako Lam +2

PROPERTIES: House #7421, House #8577, House #2468, House #1697

START TIME: 12:30, departure from HomeStar Inc. HQ

END TIME: 15:30, departure either from House #1697 or from HomeStar Inc. HQ in best case scenario

Starting with Houses #8577 and #7421 on the very outskirts of Norfolk, we will work our way into the center of town where both House #2468 and #1697 are located. None of the properties have any listed subspace technology integrated into the premises, none of them have magically-powered fences or windows, and only one comes equipped with a stasis fridge. Will make offer to replace fridge with an older but still highly functional device free of charge if the property is accepted.

* * *

**Client Profile Update**

DATE:8/03/42

CLIENT: Torako Lam +2 [Bentley Farkas, Tyrone Pines]

CLIENT ID: 64239

CLASSIFICATION: Buyer

SPECIFICATIONS: Listed below

…

PROPERTY RECORD:

**SSA:** **Gables, ID 980039385**

House #1212: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Extra-dimensional installations and heavy reliance on Magitech Appliances. [detail: Kitchen Appliances, Cabinetry]

House #3958: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Extra-dimensional installations and heavy reliance on Magitech Appliances. [detail: Alternative Basement, Windows]

House # 2249: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Basement wallpaper and house history. [detail: 2950’s owners were heavily involved with the Cult of Futures Past, Decorative Preferences]

House #4428: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Heavy reliance on Magitech Appliances [detail: InvisiFence surrounding property. Client Farkas refused to cross the boundary, saying “No” nearly immediately. Apparently sensitive to magical energy. Caution moving onwards is advised.]

House #6609: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Security System installed in the property is incapable of being customized. [detail: Client Lam has expressed that a non-customizable security system is out of the question. Furthermore, Client Farkas expressed discomfort with the Stasis Fridge. Caution moving onwards is advised.]

House #1033: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Interior did not align with Client Decorative Preferences. [detail: shag carpeting, loud wallpaper, windows too small]

House #3290: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Security System installed in the property is incapable of being customized.

[detail: Client Lam somehow pieced together the security code engraved around all the doors and windows, researched it, and discovered that the code is unalterable without starting over completely from scratch. IE, a warding expert carefully sanding down the inscribed code and then re-installing it to customer specifications. The House Profile has since been updated. Client Lam has since expressed that she would be open to having an initially insecure home to make secure herself. Uncertain if actually qualified to do such work.]

House #5533: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Household Electrical Wiring is too reliant on MagiTech. [detail: Client Farkas, again, expressed his distaste with the whole affair immediately upon entering the house by saying, “No,” and walking out again. How he noticed the wiring through solid wall is a mystery for the ages. Sensitivity to magic alone cannot explain it.]

House #7567: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Interior did not align with Client Decorative Preferences. [detail: Upon seeing the decoratively engraved floorboards up close, Client Pines recoiled and uttered, verbatim, “The day I spend any significant amount of time in this accursed home is the day I lay waste to the whole of humanity.” Apparently the script contains excerpts from the original Twin Souls literature. Housing detail has been accordingly updated.]

House #2675: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Interior did not align with Client Decorative Preferences. [detail: Apparently, Clients Lam, Farkas, and Pines are not fans of rooster-themed kitchen décor.]

House #1181: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Basement too reliant on MagiTech and extra-dimensional subspace technology. [detail: The basement was a secret basement. Client Pines stared at the living room floor for an uncomfortably long time before raising his head and telling the SSA, “You might want to be careful opening that.” Property Owner has since been alerted and advised to proceed with caution.]

[UPDATE 7/29: Property has been pulled from the market while police reopen a case and conduct an investigation.]

House #4482: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Interior did not align with Client Preferences. [detail: 3 bedrooms minimum is non-negotiable and the bathrooms were too cramped]

House #5319: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Interior did not align with Client Decorative Preferences. [detail: They don’t like the color of the walls. Note to stay away from overly bright greens and yellows in the future.]

…

[scrolling]

…

House #5497: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: House Address. [detail: like many other clients before them, the prospects of living at 6969 Dickinson Straightway appear to have caused the clients to decline this particular property.]

House #9569: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Building Materials not up to Client Standards. [detail: After showing the clients around the property for fifteen minutes, Client Lam hummed, squinted her eyes at the nearest window, and said, “Does that window look like somebody could break through it to you two?” The next five minutes were spent by Clients Lam and Pines discussing the fragility of triple-reinforced glass against various potential weapons, tools, etc {not limited to but including demonic powers, a bazooka, and a thumbtack} while Client Farkas sat down on the floor, put his gloved hands over his face, and muttered a nearly unintelligible “I’m sorry” to presumably the SSA. These clients are hopeless.]

House #4443: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Pet Flap and Pet Room are too reliant on extra-dimensional subspaces. [detail: Client Farkas stared at the pet flap, turned around, and put his hand on the SSA’s shoulder before saying, “No,” and walking out. Housing information has since been updated to include the unlisted Pet Room.]

House #3944: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: Unclear. [detail: Client Lam, in the emailed response, simply said, “Look, we’re all tired and this house is too square(?) for {Client Pines}, so we’re just gonna give it a couple days before trying again.”]

[SSA is going to file for a transfer of client.]

**SSA:** **Pinkflax, ID 980012114**

House #7421: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Distance.

Detail: Too far from nearest transporter station.

SSA Comments: Clients appeared pleased with most aspects of the house. As per SSA Gable’s consultation, Client Lam appears most concerned with matters of household security. Client Farkas is harder to read, due to constantly wearing sunglasses, a hoodie, and a surgical mask despite the weather, but does not hesitate to make his opinions clear. Client Pines is…a mystery.

House #8577: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Décor, House Layout, Location.

Detail: Housing does not come with security, but the spackled walls and ceiling are apparently difficult to do the variety of warding Client Lam is used to. Layout is, according to Client Pines, confusing. House 8577 is also apparently on the edge of a minor magical hotspot, as Client Farkas has confirmed.

SSA Comments: The difficulty in getting the clients a suitable home is evident. Client Farkas appears to be the biggest wildcard, despite his consistency in what he refuses. There simply does not seem to be a reliable way to ensure that the properties will not set him against them _and_ are simultaneously up to other standards shared by all three clients.

House #2468: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: House Size, presence of Extra-Dimensional Subspace, Décor.

Detail: At 780m2, the premises were too large for upkeep. While Client Pines seemed to disagree, offering to do more cleaning in exchange for snacks and ice cream, both Client Lam and Client Farkas weren’t convinced enough to ignore the décor (the elaborate crown molding is too “ostentatious” and “creepy,”) and certainly not when the non-disclosed extra-dimensional subspace was discovered in a false wardrobe.

SSA Comments: After the clients left, I investigated. Inside the subspace, kept pristine likely only by the fact that time does not pass quickly within those places, was an additional bed and a luxurious bathroom. The style of bedsheets and drapes indicates that the subspace was installed nearly a century ago, which seems odd seeing as subspaces in those days were unstable and tended to disintegrate.   
On a different note, this time it was both Clients Pines and Farkas who balked at the presence of the subspace. Take note to pay more attention to reactions in the future, and to survey properties properly before visitations.

House #1697: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Security System.

Detail: Client Lam disagreed with the validity and effectiveness of the existing security system, and upon a close study of it (25 minutes), declared that it would be too difficult to properly alter and that removal would only be slightly easier.

SSA Comments: I would pay for the removal myself if it made these clients buy the house. There were no other issues with it. Upon my making the offer out loud, Client Lam laughed and said, “No, no, that’s all right! I’d rather find something a little more ready first!”

House #2292: Declined w/o viewing.

Reasoning: House Layout.

Detail: House is built like a townhome, with a main room and bathroom on each of its 5 levels; Clients professed concern regarding the kitchen being on a separate floor from the living and dining room.

SSA Comments: Unfortunate. The building fit all of their specifications—the security system installed is simple to both customize and remove, there are miraculously no extra dimensional spaces on premises, and the only significant presence of magical technology in the entire property is the mailbox, which can be replaced at a very low cost. We investigated ourselves. Client Lam, their partnership’s point of contact, did say that it was a close call, but that ultimately they would only purchase when completely satisfied.

House #1357: Viewed, but declined.

Reasoning: Décor.

Detail: Client Pines felt the colors were too ‘smorple’ and ‘floreen’ and several other descriptors that do not appear in any dictionary. When asked if he had noticed the issues when viewing the profile sent to them, he confessed that the colors simply ‘were different in person.’ Client Lam agreed that she didn’t appreciate the tile flooring in the kitchen. Client Farkas was quiet. 

SSA Comments: I hate to admit it, but I know a lost cause when I see one. Do they even want a house?

* * *

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

From: [olpink@homestar.com](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)

Attached: ClientRecord64239.qbf

SUBJECT: A Professional Request

RECEIVED: August 7th, 3042

Dearest Qilar,

I hope that this message finds you well. How is your family doing? I (and Squeakums, for that matter) look forward to our bi-weekly dinner and movie. I know you’ve discussed that the last full moon has left you feeling worn out, and I look forward to relaxing with you for a night.

I write this message in the hopes that you would be amenable to taking on a client of ours. Unfortunately, we have been incapable of finding a property that would completely satisfy their desires. We have exhausted our listings. I know that you have several properties in Norfolk, and even those close to major terminals outside of Norfolk. I also know that you like a challenge.

Attached is the client file for your information. Names and personal information have, of course, been redacted. They will be readable upon your agreement to take these clients on. The clients have of course been notified about this possible course of action. Should you decline this case, I would be more than understanding.

Well wishes to you and yours,

Olive Pinkflax

* * *

To: [tora@lam.com](mailto:tora@lam.com)

From: [hello@qilarlind.org](mailto:hello@qilarlind.org)

SUBJECT: Welcome to your experience at Lindquist Realtors!

RECEIVED: August 10th, 3042

Dear Ms. Lam,

Hello. My name is Qilar Lindquist. You and I have not had the pleasure of meeting, but I am sure that when we do, it will be wonderful. As you may know, my good friend Mx. Pinkflax conveyed to me their concerns that they didn’t have the property best suited to you in their register. However, with access to a larger company such as Lindquist Realtors, they hoped that you would have more success. If you are still obliging, I am more than happy to take you and your partners on as clients of Lindquist Realtors. It would be thrilling to find you the house you and your partners have been dreaming of. Please respond to this message as soon as you are capable, so that we may begin the process.

Sincerely,

Qilar Lindquist

Lindquist Realtors

* * *

**QILAR LINDQUIST**

Senior Realtor

[hello@qilarlind.org](mailto:hello@qilarlind.org)

Phone Lindquist Realtors Homepage

Alternative Display Options

While not born and raised in Norfolk, Qilar Lindquist has been settled in this fine city for the past 20 years. A born werewolf, Qilar has always wanted to follow his parents’ footsteps. He succeeded as well, opening up a new branch of Lindquist Realtors in Norfolk at the tender age of 28. He studied business, architecture, and chemistry at the University of Des Moines. Intelligent, quick-witted, and charming, Qilar Lindquist is dedicated to serving his clients in any way he can. Outside of work, he is involved with the local community theater and can be found volunteering at various non-profit goodwill organizations around the city. His husband often joins him in these endeavors. 

Back to Realtor Biographies Homepage

* * *

**August 13 th, 3042**

**Chat with Saint Akuapem**

**6:36 PM**

Thank you for the scones the other day. Hepsa enjoyed them.

So did I.

How is house-hunting going?

**6:59 PM**

Sorry, still working that Thompson case.

Thanks for working with me on it.

And the house hunting’s not going so great.

**7:12 PM**

Of course. You’re bright. I like hearing your input.

Just not situated to be a public officer of the law.

What with your friend.

**7:13 PM**

I know.

**7:13 PM**

I’m sorry to hear it is not going as well as hoped.

Would you like to talk about it?

**7:14 PM**

The realtor company you recommended couldn’t find anything for us

So we’ve been transferred to another realtor.

**7:15 PM**

Nothing? Really?

What realtor?

**7:15 PM**

Yeah, nothing. Lindquist Realtors.

**7:16 PM**

Hepsa says they are good. You are in good hands.

**7:16 PM**

Yeah, we had our first house hunting today.

I’m just worried it’s going to go nowhere here as well.

**7:18 PM**

Sorry for saying but. I find that hard to believe.

You will find a house.

What are your specifications?

**7:19 PM**

Ummm 3 BR 2 BTH Defs LDK

450-600 SQM

Garden with like 100-200 SQM?

No Magitech if possible, no exdim subspaces at all

Security system gotta be customizable or not there at all

We can be a little picky with décor sometimes

And house gotta be sturdy

There’s probably something else

**7:26 PM**

I see.

That would be difficult.

Are you willing to compromise on anything?

**7:27 PM**

Price. I put down 350k but if it gets me the house I want

Then I’ll pay more.

**7:27 PM**

Understood.

Where are you staying now?

**7:27 PM**

Still in the apartment

Got the lease to finish

Hate it but until we have somewhere else

**7:29 PM**

…how is Bentley?

**7:29 PM**

He’s stressed.

With the house, and being here

He’s always having nightmares

So tired all the time

Insists on going to work though and I cant talk him out of it

I want to get a house for him

But I don’t want him to have to deal with all the shit he is in the apartment

He doesn’t see himself as important enough to take care of, sometimes

So I have to take that into account

**7:32 PM**

What exactly is going on, Torako?

How is Bentley not taking care of himself?

**7:32 PM**

Like, it’s not that I don’t understand where hes coming from

I get that I might be being a bit unreasonable

But he keeps saying ‘oh I can just DEAL with having an exdim subspace in the house’

‘never mind that it’s a huge trigger for all my trauma’

‘and that I sometimes cant stop looking at it just to make sure its still there and im still on the reality side of things’

‘ill just wear my magic-cancelling glasses all the time’

‘and be unable to sleep from the headache’

‘it’s not that big of a deal, torako, let’s have the magitech here that hurts to look at too much’

‘who cares, it’s just a fridge torako!! Not like it was used to TRANSPORT ME to a FOREIGN COUNTRY so that a MADMAN could CONDUCT EXPERIMENTS ON ME to the point that I almost took FATALLY DRASTIC ACTION’

He keeps saying he’ll just put up with his trauma like it’s a minor inconvenience!!

And he shouldn’t have to do that.

Not in a house that’s our own.

**7:36 PM**

Bentley was what now.

**7:36 PM**

Oh right

You didn’t know that part

**7:36 PM**

You went to get him.

**7:36 PM**

of course

I love him

**7:36 PM**

Therapy?

**7:36 PM**

Bentley? Yeah.

Hell of an NDA.

**7:37 PM**

No, you.

**7:37 PM**

She’s the only other person who knows everything.

Like, everything everything.

wait what?

**7:37 PM**

Torako.

I think you’re not doing as well as you think you are.

**7:37 PM**

Bentley was tortured

I wasnt

**7:38 PM**

I’ll believe you on that.

But you still devoted yourself to finding him.

And he was tortured, and you have to deal with the consequences of that too.

**7:38 PM**

???

**7:39 PM**

You sound stressed, Torako.

And scared.

**7:39 PM**

Maybe a little

But Bentleys more important rn

**7:40 PM**

I would say you’re both equally important.

Sorry, Torako, Hepsa is calling me; we’re going to a late night movie.

I’ll keep my eye out for you.

**7:40 PM**

OK

Thank you

I really appreciate it

* * *

**Client Profile Update**

DATE:8/15/42

CLIENT: Torako Lam +2 [Bentley Farkas, Tyrone Pines]

CLIENT ID: IMP64239

CLASSIFICATION: Buyer

CAUTION: PICKY, SPECIFIC, UNCOMPROMISING

SPECIFICATIONS: Listed below

…

LINDQUIST REALTORS PROPERTY RECORD:

**SSA:** **Lindquist, ID 109A854D**

…

…

**NEW UPDATES 8/15/42**

HOUSE ID: 798A 209X

ADDRESS: 389 West Hampton Drive

SELLER: Mx. Adelaide Hanson

STATUS: DECLINED

NOTES: Unfortunately, despite attempts to the contrary, the clients were not impressed with the security system. We discussed it at length at Lindquist Realtors and felt it sufficient, but Client Lam insisted quite sternly that she needed to have full control over the system. RapierSolutions is a top of the line system. I tried to convey that to Client Lam, but she refused to hear sense. “I need to be able to alter it,” she said. “If I can’t alter it, it’s a no-go—especially with those weak windows and the shallow hinges on the entryways.” Mx. Pinkflax was not kidding around when they said Client Lam was a bit controlling over safety specifications. Possible paranoia?

HOUSE ID: 665D 187L

ADDRESS: 9821 NW 4736 PL

SELLER: Mr. and Ms. Nakatani

STATUS: DECLINED, INACTIVE

NOTES: We combed the premises for subspaces personally. Nevertheless, Client Farkas quietly pointed out that there was a secret bunker hidden under the premises, and that it spanned the entire property. While he hastened to assure us that it wouldn’t be that much of an issue, Client Lam overheard and insisted that they wouldn’t buy any property with extradimensional subspaces. When Client Farkas attempted to tell his partner that they weren’t going to use that garden gate anyways, Client Lam shut him down. Client Pines also wandered over from where he was inspecting the brick wall of the garden, said “This place might be cursed,” and waved his partners cheerily off of the premises.

Upon notifying the authorities as required by law that there may or may not be a curse on the premises, the police shut down the premises. Any attempt to contact Mr. and Mrs. Nakatani beyond alerting them to the existence of the subspace has been unsuccessful.

UPDATE: the extradimensional basement is now the scene of a crime. 665D 187L is now under government jurisdiction.

HOUSE ID: 278K 396V

ADDRESS: 421 Wildstar Avenue

SELLER: Mr. Fegelhorn and Mr. Gil

STATUS: DECLINED

NOTES: Client Lam, predictably, criticized the ‘astounding lack of security’ in the warding system, the ‘structural instability’ of a perfectly good cellar window, and the presence of a stasis fridge on the premises. Client Farkas was silent. Client Pines said that he ‘liked the staircase’ but that the upstairs bathroom tub was ‘too small for his preferences.’ Naturally, the clients declined the home.

HOUSE ID: 525P 792S

ADDRESS: 98 Maplefarm S. Street

SELLER: Mrs. Polinski

STATUS: DECLINED, INACTIVE

NOTES: Surprisingly, it was not Client Lam or Client Farkas who had reason to decline the property. This is probably because Client Pines, five steps past the garden gate, hissed and bodily hauled his partners away from the grounds. When asked what the matter was, he snarled out in the most terrifying voice something about unquestionable evil and the screams of the undead. As required by Law, we have notified the authorities.

UPDATE: Property is now under police jurisdiction. Norfolk Government Demonologists and Exorcists evacuated the entire block for a full 48 hours. It seems Mrs. Polinski was being possessed by a terribly old demon, Hyutgen the Voracious and had been for an undetermined amount of time.

What is up with these Clients and finding horrific crime scenes?

* * *

**August 15 th, 3042**

**Chat with Handsome <3 <3 <3**

**5:28 PM**

Darling, what’s up?

You seem to be staying late at the agency today

As of late, really.

Is it The Clients?

**5:57 PM**

I’m so sorry.

Yes, it is.

This is much more difficult than anticipated.

Olive called it a challenge and I was foolish enough to think I had it in the bag.

The Clients are insatiable.

There’s always something _wrong_ with the properties. Always.

And they keep uncovering properties as crime scenes??

**6:03 PM**

I’m so sorry darling.

**6:03 PM**

I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Bayani.

I’m so tired.

I’ve shown them over 30 properties, personally.

**6:04 PM**

Do you want to talk it out?

I can get your favorite dinner together

We can curl up on the couch

Put on some Strandson

**6:05 PM**

You know what?

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

I’ll be home in 10 minutes.

**6:06 PM**

See you soon <3

**6:06 PM**

<3 <3

* * *

To: [tora@lam.com](mailto:tora@lam.com)

From: [hello@qilarlind.org](mailto:hello@qilarlind.org)

SUBKECT: Realtor Change Notification

RECEIVED: August 16th, 3042

Dear Ms. Lam,

My apologies in advance for the contents of this email, though I hope it finds you well. Unfortunately, due to my position as head of company, I am unable to continue being your Realtor. I have transferred you to the care of one of my very capable senior agents. Mx. Ya-en. I hope that you understand, and that Mx. Ya-en can see to your needs better than I have.

Sincerely,

Qilar Lindquist

Lindquist Realtors

* * *

**HARLEY YA-EN**

Senior Realtor

[hello@harleyyaen.org](mailto:hello@harleyyaen.org)

Phone Lindquist Realtors Homepage

Alternative Display Options

Harley Ya-en, despite xir elderly age of 84, is one of Lindquist Realtor’s most capable senior Realtors. A psychic who can read auras, Harley Ya-en is capable of anticipating the client’s needs and emotions. This allows Mx. Ya-en practical insight into which properties will suit a buying client’s needs. Xe also has a wealth of knowledge regarding the Norfolk area due to living here for the past 50 years, and is a font of trivia sure to satisfy the most curious of souls. Xe lives with xir husband and wife, and enjoys taking road trips—

* * *

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

From: [harley](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)yaen@lindquistrealtors.com

SUBJECT: LOL NO

RECEIVED: August 17th, 3042

Qilar,

Holy fucking shit you do not pay me enough for this. You have to transfer them. I cannot work with these clients.

Sincerely,

Harley

-

To: [harley](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)yaen@lindquistrealtors.com

From: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

SUBJECT: RE: LOL NO

RECEIVED: August 17th, 3042

Harley,

What happened?? What did they do??

Qilar

-

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

From: [harley](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)yaen@lindquistrealtors.com

SUBJECT: RE: LOL NO

RECEIVED: August 17th, 3042

Qilar,

They didn’t _do_ anything in particular. They’re just impossible clients—I’m thinking it’s not even their fault, entirely—and I have read their file. Even with that, I was hesitantly down for the challenge until I saw their auras and interacted with them today. I am Not Doing It. I am too old for this. Give me another assignment.

Sincerely,

Harley

-

To: [harley](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)yaen@lindquistrealtors.com

From: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

SUBJECT: RE: LOL NO

RECEIVED: August 17th, 3042

Harley,

I’m sorry, I need more explanation than this to take you off immediately. I handled a week. So can you. You can’t use your age as an excuse all the time.

Qilar

-

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

From: [harley](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)yaen@lindquistrealtors.com

SUBJECT: RE: LOL NO

RECEIVED: August 17th, 3042

Qilar,

Fine: here it is.

I only got the two Clients. Client Pines was, as they said, out on important business, who knows when he’ll be back. Something was fishy about that but okay, I won’t pry, and these two are setting me off on edge a little as is so maybe it’s just that.

Then the more I interact with them, the more I realize that Client Farkas’s aura is just fucking weird. Bananapants, CocoNutPuffs, whatever you want to call it. It’s all muddled and patchy and a headache and a half to read. It’s like somebody took his aura, threw out most of it, and stuffed a bunch of excess aura in to fill the gaps. There’s no way he was born like that, and there’s no way whatever happened was pretty (or probably even painless). He’s definitely trying, though, so I figured aight, we’ll see if we can’t compromise with this whippersnapper.

The problem is Client Lam.

Client Lam doesn’t want to be pleased. Client Lam, for whatever reason, is terrified. And overprotective of Client Farkas. And she’s absolutely _looking_ for reasons to be disappointed, or she’s at least seeing shadows where there are none. We could present Client Lam with a fortress and she wouldn’t be satisfied. My bet is that whatever happened to Farkas’s aura was traumatizing, and Lam was impacted by that trauma. I showed her two viable properties at excellent prices with wonderful locations and an astounding lack of extradimensional pockets or Magitech gadgets, and she found fault with them. Neither were crime scenes, thankfully.

You may want to assign them with somebody who has experience—but you could also use this opportunity to show some junior realtors how tough clients can be. Also, the junior realtors might not be so entrenched in the practice, and they could have some excellent ideas.

Or you could just…send these clients to somebody else. Your choice. I’m just not dealing with it. They’ll drive me into an early grave if I take this too seriously, and you know how I get.

Sincerely,

Harley

* * *

To: [tora@lam.com](mailto:tora@lam.com)

From: [hello@amarshir.org](mailto:hello@amarshir.org)

SUBJECT: Realtor Change Notification

RECEIVED: August 18th, 3042

Dear Ms. Lam,

Hello! What a pleasure it is to meet you. I’m writing to inform you that unfortunately, Mx. Ya-en is unable to continue handling your case. The upside is that I am able to do so in xir stead! My name is Amar Shirvani, and I’m going to be handling your case from now on. I’m excited to work with you and your partners, and hope that you are as excited to work with me! I promise I will do my best to help you achieve your housing dreams!

Yours,

Amar Shirvani

Lindquist Realtors

* * *

**AMAR SHIRVANI**

Junior Realtor

[hello@amarshir.org](mailto:hello@amarshir.org)

Phone Lindquist Realtors Homepage

Alternative Display Options

Native to Norfolk, Amar Shirvani is the youngest member of Lindquist Realtors at 22 years old. He recently graduated from the Offet University of Business with honors. While not the most experienced, Amar brings exuberance and creative thinking to the team at Lindquist Realtors. He has been involved with volunteer work from early childhood due to his parents—

* * *

**TweetyFlaps Trending**

#clientwoes

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_@Silverforks_

So I’ve got a kind of sort of customer service job, right. And so far it’s been fine! I’ve had ok clients. And then Bossman slides me a paunchy one cross the table and I start to understand #clientwoes for the first awful real time. 1/  
 _10:48 AM 23 AUG 3042_

________________________________________________________________________

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

2/ i know from the start its gonna be a Ride. Like, chalk and candles intensity. Client file is thicc w/rejected properties (im in housing). But I’m game!! Im always game, you know me haha. Unfortunately…  
 _10:50 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

3/ these are clients from hell. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were actually demons in disguise. Here to torture me. For something. I aint actually ever summoned nothing. But like, it’s unreal how BAD this exp has been.  
 _10:51 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

4/ for 1, they all look normal expt one of them. Head to toe, covered. Would think was vampire, but that’s usu specified in reports. Nobody’s seen his skin other than flashes. Aight, tho, I aint prejudiced, i’ll roll with it.  
 _10:53 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

5/ so they super picky clients, right. I thought nah, they cant be that bad!! Just haven’t hooked the right worm yet. So I pick out a coupla worms (houses) that I think they might enjoy and hoo boy was that a chore, but im satisfied! Spoiler: they aint.   
_10:56 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

6/ they aint never gon be satisfied. #1, not-vampire client mentions v v quietly to me that sorry, theres a thing he cant deal with on premises, but mb they can still keep it in mind?? But (super good hearing???) another client hears and squawks about it. he aint having it, apparently.   
_10:58 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

7/ and then third client (Harpy) hears bc squawk, and she SUPER aint having it, so we just go to the next house. And the next one. And—u get it already.   
_10:59 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

8/ and like, im patient. Im pretty lowkey. But today’s house was—perfect?? There was _nothing_ wrong with it. Client Hoodie didn’t say nothing bad. Liked the rooms. Client EllieEars don’t complain bout no weird curses or dead bodies or bad décor. But Client Harpy?? Client Harpy is impossible.   
_11:02 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

9/ u kno what she said?? She said, and I repeat: the front door is too thin.

The front door. Which is a solid 5 cm of wood (real!! Wood!!). is too thin. It’s “Insecure”.   
_11:03 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

10/11 I didn’t say it bc im a good worker, but I really wanted to go off on her. She’s impossible. This is the worst assignment ever. Ive worked so hard my soul’s gonna feel it 5 carnations down.   
_11:05 AM 23 AUG 3042_

**world aint gonna end til I end it myself**

_Replying to @Silverforks_

11/11 srsly. 5 cm of solid wood!! Insecure. Unbelievable. #clientwoes  
 _11:05 AM 23 AUG 3042_

* * *

**August 23 rd **

**Bentley**

Sally Mihn at work sent me this.

You might want to take a look.

<https://tweetyflap.com/silverforks/status/1199679934986810752>

**DipTipTyrone**

oh boy

that’s about us alright

**Bentley**

Yeah

It is

Torako

We need to have a fucking talk

**KoraTorako**

We do need to have a talk with the realtors

That’s unacceptable

**Bentley**

What we need to do with the realtors is _apologize_

What we three need to do is discuss what the fuck we’re doing

**KoraTorako**

No, that was completely unprofessional

And what do you mean, what are we doing?? We’re looking for a house.

**DipTipTyrone**

I’ll take care of the tweets for a pack of gummies

**Bentley**

No, Dipper

Torako

We have been house-hunting for a _month_

We have looked at over 200 houses by this point

**KoraTorako**

Thanks dip but probs not

**Bentley**

And you have said no

To all

Of them

We need to fucking compromise

**KoraTorako**

Compromise on what?? Our safety?? Our comfort?

**Bentley**

No, on your unachievable standards

**DipTipTyrone**

Oh

Oh no

**KoraTorako**

Who says they unachievable??

**Bentley**

The 200+ houses we’ve looked at to dismiss out of hand!

**DipTipTyrone**

This is a fight, isn’t it

**KoraTorako**

I’m just making sure that whatever we get will be safe!

**Bentley**

Most of them HAVE been safe!

You’re just being STUPIDLY overprotective!

**DipTipTyrone**

oh no im the

im the middle party aren’t i

**KoraTorako**

I am not!

**Bentley**

Yes you are! You need to trust me to make choices for myself!!

**KoraTorako**

Well, I _would_ if you weren’t so insistent on ignoring your own wellbeing!

**DipTipTyrone**

How does one mediate

**Bentley**

I’m just trying to _find a fucking house_! I’m trying to meet them in the middle!

**KoraTorako**

Not on that you shouldn’t!

**Bentley**

It’s MY choice!

**KoraTorako**

And it’s MINE TOO!

You shouldn’t be in an environment that causes you to have so many fucking nightmares!

Like you are NOW

**DipTipTyrone**

Uuuhhh shit shit shit um

You’re both right and both wrong?

**Bentley**

Love you, but Shut up dip

And maybe I’m having nightmares because we’re still in this _fucking apartment_

**KoraTorako**

I told you we could stay at another Rental until we found a house!

And shut up dip, im the right one here

**Bentley**

You’re the right one???

We can’t solve everything with money, Torako!! And at the pace we’re going, we’d be in that rental place until our current lease is up _Next January_

**DipTipTyrone**

…maybe this is an in-person convo?

**KoraTorako**

I just want our house to be safe!! What if something happens again?

**Bentley**

It won’t fucking happen again! Fantino was a one-off. I haven’t pissed off any other researchers overly invested in their research lately!

**DipTipTyrone**

What about that one guy at work?

Wait no ignore that

**KoraTorako**

But it MIGHT! We! Don’t! Know for sure!!

**Bentley**

We don’t know that it WILL happen, Torako!

You need to just let this stupid fucking paranoia go

**DipTipTyrone**

Uh

**KoraTorako**

Stupid?? Fucking paranoia??

**DipTipTyrone**

Bentley that was not uh

Not good

**KoraTorako**

It’s not paranoia if it could happen again. It happened once.

I can’t forget that, Bentley. I can’t forget going to open that door and finding it _unlocked._ I can’t forget opening the apartment to you being gone, and to the wards being destroyed, and to everything I thought was keeping us safe not _actually keeping us safe_.

I’m not doing that, Ben.

The house we’re getting?? Is going to be _fucking safe_ , and I am going to make it that way.

**DipTipTyrone**

Torako…

**Bentley**

Look, I get that

But there were ways of making the houses we looked at safe that you weren’t willing to entertain.

That one, with the green roof and the cute staircase?? That was totally viable. We absolutely could have torn the security system out with no trouble.

We literally have Dipper to do that for us.

But you said no! Like you said no to the one with the nice garden, and the one with the really big open windows.

I just want a house, Torako.

It’s not even like we’re necessarily going to live here forever? So if it’s not perfect, I’m ok. I just want somewhere to live that’s not the apartment.

**KoraTorako**

And I just want us to be safe, Bentley.

I cant do this right now.

I have to go.

**DipTipTyrone**

Is it over?

…fuck it isn’t, is it.

Fuck.

* * *

To: [hello@qilarlind.org](mailto:hello@qilarlind.org)

From: [tora@lam.com](mailto:tora@lam.com)

SUBJECT: Important

RECEIVED: August 23rd 3042

Dear Mr. Lindquist,

Hello. I’m writing to inform you that one of your employees—I’m assuming our current agent, Mr. Amar Shirvani—vented about my partners and I on a public forum. Here is the link: <https://tweetyflap.com/silverforks/status/1199679934986810752>

While I understand that we have not been very accommodating clients—myself particularly—I don’t believe that this appropriate behavior. Venting is important, but the place where Mr. Shirvani chose to express his frustrations wasn’t the right one. Please convey this to him for me.

I don’t want him to lose his job. He’s young and hasn’t learned this particular lesson yet. But I also find myself hesitant to keep working with Mr. Shirvani. Would you be willing to either transfer us to another realtor, or recommend us to another company like Mx. Pinkflax did? I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Torako Lam

Private Investigator

.

-

To: [tora@lam.com](mailto:tora@lam.com)

From: [hello@qilarlind.org](mailto:hello@qilarlind.org)

SUBJECT: RE: Important

RECEIVED: August 24th 3042

Dear Ms. Lam,

I’m very sorry to hear about what Mr. Shirvani did. We’ve discussed the incident and he understands the impropriety of his actions. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

While I believe that we have exhausted our properties here at Lindquist Realtors, I am happy to recommend you to a few other businesses in the Norfolk Area. They’re smaller, but perhaps they have the specific kind of property that you are looking for. I will do my best to put in a good word for you. Should that fail, I will personally endeavor to find you the house you need.

Sincerely,

Qilar Lindquist

Lindquist Realtors

* * *

**August 24 th**

**Chat with Reynash Pines**

**11:01 AM**

Hey Reynash

Can I ask you a question?

**11:02 AM**

What a surprise to hear from you via text!

Usually you just pop in and scare my soul out of my chest.

But for your question-- please ask

There’s nothing to do at work at the moment.

**11:02 AM**

Wouldn’t you usually leave?

Or have things changed again without me realizing it?

**11:03 AM**

Oh no, normally I would

But I have an appointment at 11:45 that I have to stick around for.

What’s your question?

**11:04 AM**

Torako and Bentley are fighting over housing.

We’ve told you about the house-hunting, right?

**11:04 AM**

Oh dear. Yes, I know.

Why are they fighting?

**11:05 AM**

Trauma. I think. They didn’t say themselves.

But I think it’s trauma.

Anyways, that’s not the important part.

What’s important is how do I help them?

**11:06 AM**

From the incident back around May?

Oh dear.

Are you sure that’s not the important part?

**11:06 AM**

Mostly.

Anyway. I just need to know how to mediate.

I haven’t mediated in…

In forever?

I can’t remember.

**11:07 AM**

…why are you even asking me?

**11:07 AM**

Because not many people know me as me

And you’re one of the only people who has known me as me for a significant amount of time and are also NOT ben or tora

And also you’re pretty calm mostly except when I show up and scare you

**11:09 AM**

Well

In my defense, I think most people would be scared if you showed up out of thin air and yelled strange things like WHAT YOU CRAVIN or whatever.

**11:10 AM**

Are you…sassy?

**11:10 AM**

Possibly

Back to your predicament: mediating

Have Bentley and Torako been able to talk to each other in person about this?

**11:11 AM**

No :(

They’ve been very quiet around each other at home.

And Bentley’s going on a trip soon.

So they won’t have a chance for a while.

Do they have to??

**11:12 AM**

It’s just easier to mediate when you’re all there.

Basically

They have to have the conversation, right?

Your job as mediator is to make sure they stay on task

And that no thoughtlessly cruel words are said.

**11:12 AM**

So they can say mean things

But they can’t mean the mean things?

**11:13 AM**

Okay, let me rephrase:

They’re mad at each other. They might say mean things that just hurt each other. Words that are meant to hurt each other.

They should not do that.

That does not help the conversation.

**11:13 AM**

Oh

Hm

So if one says the other is being stupidly paranoid

That’s where I say no, stop?

**11:13 AM**

Right.

**11:14 AM**

And if the other says one is being needlessly reckless with his own mental health

That’s where I say no, stop?

**11:14 AM**

Er

Maybe not, depending

_Is_ he being needlessly reckless with his own mental health?

**11:14 AM**

I don’t know? Maybe? How do I tell?

**11:15 AM**

I can’t believe I’m saying this but

We might need to have this conversation face to face.

Please come he0-awekjhwel

**11:39 AM**

And remember what we discussed

And the pamphlets I sent you

And also please remind Torako and Bentley that Lata would like to see them sometime next month if they’re able to.

**11:39 AM**

Thanks Ray!

I really appreciate everything

Sorry for making you scream!

* * *

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

From: [simonkhoo@khoohootrealtors.com](mailto:simonkhoo@khoohootrealtors.com)

SUBJECT: RE: Professional Request

RECEIVED: August 25th, 3042

Dear Qilar Lindquist

Thank you very much for the request. I’m honored that you would consider sending us clients that you yourself could not satisfy. It honestly instills an incredible, renewed sense of capability in us here at Khoohoo Realtors.

Upon viewing the file you sent, however, one of my junior realtors raised concerns that these particular clients may be too difficult for a firm of our moderate size to adequately deal with. Between yourselves and HomeStar Realtors, these three clients weren’t satisfied. That, to us, is a bit of a red flag. We reviewed their specifications in comparison to our own catalogue, but don’t believe we have anything that they would be interested in actually buying. Therefore, in the interest of saving everybody a great deal of time and energy, I must admit that we cannot at this time take on your clients.

Have an excellent day,

Simon Khoo

Head of Khoohoo Realtors

* * *

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

From: [lancefraiser@dreamhomerealtors.com](mailto:lancefraiser@dreamhomerealtors.com)

SUBJECT: RE: Professional Request

RECEIVED: August 25th, 3042

Dear Qilar Lindquist

Thank you very much for this request.

Unfortunately, we don’t have the time or patience for clients that would require a great deal of energy. From the looks of the file you attached, that seems to be the case with these clients. Therefore, in short, no.

Yours,

Lance Fraiser

Senior Realtor

DreamHome Realtors

* * *

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

From: [naitafellen@redfinrealtors.com](mailto:naitafellen@redfinrealtors.com)

Attachment: 2042-PoliceRecoverKidnappedManwithHelpFromCivillian.qbf

SUBJECT: RE: Professional Request

RECEIVED: August 27th, 3042

Qilar,

Long time no talk, friend!! Wow it’s been a while, I guess we’ve both been busy. I know this is a professional request and all, but we should get drinks or something!! I hear there’s a great alfree bar that’s just opened up downtown. Apparently it has killer drinks, and it of course it doesn’t have alcoholic stuff so you’re good to drink whatever.

I took a look at the client rec you sent me, and hoo boy they’ve sure got a record! RedFin usually takes whatever, and you know that, but I don’t actually think we can get them anything?? I’d feel bad chucking properties at them that I know they won’t like. I think they’ve already checked out like three quarters of Norfolk lol. Talk about trying to summon with a broom and a lighter!

Also, they really remind me of this one tweety I read recently? Oof, if that was one of your kiddos who posted it, you should really tell them that’s a bad call—both for them _and_ the clients. These clients aren’t going to get _anything_ in Norfolk, not with that popular tweety paired with that record. And if it gets out that your kiddo was the one that posted that??? Aint nobody gonna hire them, not with all this client confidentiality and all at stake. Gotta be careful what you post online, even when it is venting.

Yo, but hey, hope you find somebody for these clients! They seem like they got some scary baggage. The one who nopes around magitec and exdims reminds me of something I read in the news a while ago—it was an article that was hushed down p quickly out of respect for the victim, but I still got the doc. I’ve attached it if you want to read! It might even help you figure stuff out with your clients, even if they aren’t the same.

Let’s meet up for drinks sometime!

Naita Fellen

Owner of RedFin Realtors, Norfolk

Senior Realtor

* * *

**August 27 th **

**KoraTorako**

I just received an email from Qilar that he’s going to continue to handle our case, but that it may take a while to comb through what properties they have left.

I said it was fine because Bentley’s off on a trip.

**DipTipTyrone**

Great!!

This seems like a good time to have a heart to heart, don’t you think?

**KoraTorako**

I, uh, what?

**DipTipTyrone**

Bentley’s doing nothing right now! Bentley, talk

Bentley, talk or I’ll make you talk.

Bentley I know you’re at your hotel.

**Bentley**

Oh my stars dip

What??

**DipTipTyrone**

You guys argued a lot last time we really had a discussion

And you’re angry

And you need to talk about why you’re angry

So that you have a healthy conclusion to your argument

And so that you understand each other’s viewpoints better.

It’s important!

**KoraTorako**

But why…now?

**DipTipTyrone**

Because you sent that message

And I’m sure Bentley’s feeling vicious about it

**Bentley**

No I’m not!

**DipTipTyrone**

Yes you are

I can see your aura, and while it’s difficult to read, you’re very dlskajlkwjelkjewnsd;nlab

Aslkdjgwaelkl;kwa;ljk

Dlkjaw-000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**KoraTorako**

What the fuck

**DipTipTyrone**

You can’t take my phone away from me!! Ha! I win!

**Bentley**

You can’t just half slide through the wall so that I can’t tell you’ve blipped in!

What the hell??

**KoraTorako**

Okay okay so youre serious about this

Fine

What do you want us to talk about

**DipTipTyrone**

Your feelings, I guess?

Like, Bentley. Tell us how you feel about Torako’s latest message.

**Bentley**

You’re not my therapist

**DipTipTyrone**

No, but we’re family

Which means communication

So tell us.

**Bentley**

Uuuuuggghhh

Fine

Torako, that email proves why it was stupid to just dismiss all the properties as soon as we saw them and I feel _vindicated_ but also tired

**DipTipTyrone**

Hey, um, you gotta cut all the negativity against the other person out of your message

Try again!

**Bentley**

…

The email proves that it was wrong to dismiss the properties without really thinking further about them. I feel vindicated. I feel tired.

Happy?

**DipTipTyrone**

Better!

Torako, your turn!

**KoraTorako**

Oh my stars are we really doing this

This is so stupid

**DipTipTyrone**

Do it

**Bentley**

Yeah tora, do it

If I have to, so do you

**KoraTorako**

Fine

I’m just tired, ok?? This has taken so much longer than I thought it would. And I know I’m at fault for some of it!!

But I’m sick of Bentley falling to the pressure of ‘picking’ because it’s what’s expected of us. I don’t want him to feel scared or uncertain or uncomfortable in whatever house we pick, even if we’re only there for a couple years until we can pay off the place.

**DipTipTyrone**

Thank you Torako! I don’t see any unnecessarily hostile language in there, so that’s A-OK, you pass. Bentley?

**Bentley**

I just feel bad because everybody’s trying so hard

And we’re being so hard _on_ them

And sometimes I just don’t understand why you reject the houses? So what that the security system isn’t perfect. I don’t mind going to the effort of pulling it out and starting it again. Heck, I _would_ pay Dip to do it easy!

**KoraTorako**

But that’s not _your_ problem

That’s a _me_ problem

I just…I want it to be good from the beginning. I want it to work from the start so that we don’t have to worry about it.

**Bentley**

But that’s not going to happen

Sometimes you have to work to make something work for you

And if we gotta do that

I’m fine with it

**KoraTorako**

I…I guess

I’m still not completely comfortable with that

**Bentley**

We can work on it together

And hey

If I promise to not say yes to houses that make me uncomfortable  
will you promise to give things like security systems and house integrity a chance?

Like, not dismiss them immediately?

**KoraTorako**

…yeah. I can do that, I think.

**DipTipTyrone**

Good!! I’m glad we had this discussion

You know, I’m a pretty great mediator!

**Bentley**

Dipper I watched you leaf through those pamphlets during the discussion

But yeah

Thank you, dipper

**KoraTorako**

Thank you, dipper <3

**Bentley**

He’s blushing!!

Compliment him more

**DipTipTyrone**

No!

Stop ganging up on me!

**KoraTorako**

You’re so cute, Dips!!

**Bentley**

The cutest

Aw, he’s glowing

**DipTipTyrone**

I should have let you keep fighting

* * *

**August 29 th, 3042**

**Chat with Saint Akuapem**

**4:12 PM**

Torako, how are you?

Hepsa says hello

Are you still looking for houses?

**4:15 PM**

Yeah, we are

Say hello back for me

I’m ok, but a bit tired.

**4:15 PM**

Excellent

A parent of one of Hepsa’s students mentioned that their mother passed away recently

And that they were willing to sell the property

It seems the mother was afflicted with a curse that prevented her from using most Magitech

And she didn’t trust extra-dimensional spaces

It was a family home, so there are 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a nice garden.

Would you be interested in looking at it?

**4:17 PM**

Are you fucking serious.

Yes please, a thousand times yes

When can we look?

**4:18 PM**

Let me ask Hepsa to ask for me.

**4:49 PM**

Would you be available tomorrow afternoon?

3:30 PM.

**4:51 PM**

Oh gosh oh yes

What’s the address?

**4:51 PM**

Just meet me at our apartment.

We will walk you over.

**4:51 PM**

Officer you really are a saint

I could kiss you

**4:52 PM**

Bring some more of those brownies. It’ll be even then.

* * *

“So? What do you think?”

Torako trailed her fingers across the mantle for the fireplace. It was a real one; apparently, pure electric fireplaces were hell to install and more hell to maintain. There were no runes carved into the rough brick, no faint thrum of magic that Torako could now pick up if she closed her eyes and concentrated really, really hard.

The whole house had very little by the way of magic.

“It’s…” Torako looked down at the fireplace proper. It had been cleaned, recently, shiny in the way that old things gleam when properly taken care of. The house had been loved, she was sure of it. “It’s not bad.”

A touch to her elbow. She looked over at Bentley, whose eyebrows were quirked. “Torako. Please. Be honest.”

She hummed, turned to lean against the mantle and look out the big windows that provided a view of the garden space. Unmaintained, a little wild. They could put a vegetable patch there, she thought. Maybe a couple fruit trees.

“I’m not a fan of the front porch steps,” she said, “or the ramp. It’s a bit rickety.”

“We can fix it up,” Bentley said. He paused, tilted his head, then gave her a sly little grin. “Or at least, we know somebody who works cheap for that kind of thing.”

“Hey, you can’t let me hear that,” Dipper said from the other room, where he was laying flat on the ground with his ear to the floorboards. “My prices might go up.”

“Is it all good over there?” Bentley asked in lieu of answering. Torako looked up at the ceiling, where runes or wards or protective magics would be. Magics that would be hers, so they would hurt less to Bentley’s sensitive eye.

“No creepy basements filled with cadavers or slaughtered cultmembers, if that’s what you’re asking,” Dipper said. Thankfully, Illya had left them to look over her dead mother’s home one last time, so there were no surprised gasps or queer glances. “Though we may want a couple rugs. I think this floor gets cold in the wintertime.”

“Windowpanes are a little thin,” she muttered to herself. Her fingers tapped against her leg. “Could stand to be a bit more reinforced—though the French doors are probably okay, they seem sturdy enough—”

“Torako.”

Bentley’s warm hand slid over the one on her leg. Torako looked at him again. He peered at her over the rims of his oversized sunglasses, golden eye shimmering just a little. “Is there anything seriously wrong with this place? Anything that can’t be fixed?”

Torako pressed her lips together. The aching anxiety in her chest pressed against her sternum. She tried to ignore it, and the thoughts of shadowy figures cutting through the glass panes, burning through the front door, squeezing through the cracks in the floorboards to steal Bentley away from—

“Hey,” Bentley said, soft.

“Hey,” Dipper said, a little brighter and brasher. He took her hand in his human hand. “We’re here, okay?”

Torako turned her head to Dipper, brown eyes crinkled at the edges (and when had he put wrinkles on?) and grin still just a little too wide for human mouths to stand. She took a deep breath, and exhaled.

“No,” she said. Bentley inhaled, sharp. “No, not no no! I just meant, ugh, there’s nothing I don’t like about this house that can’t be fixed. That no. Not the ‘let’s not do this’ no.”

Both of her boys relaxed on either side of her. “Yeah,” Bentley said. “Yeah, I thought this was a good one, too.”

She twisted her hand in theirs so that she could hold them.

“Plus, it’s like, dirt cheap,” Dipper said. “Who knew that buying a house without a Realtor handling fee would result in such a bargain?”

“Okay,” Torako said, a grin starting to pull at the corners of her mouth. The sunlight from the window was warm against her feet, reaching up to soothe the phantom pains in her shins from all those months ago. “Let’s tell Ilya.”

It would be a good home.

* * *

To: [olpink@homestar.com](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)

From: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

SUBJECT: FWD: Thank you for your help

RECEIVED: August 31st, 3042

I don’t know whether to be furious or relieved. Mostly I’m just tired.

You up for dinner tonight?

Qilar

>>To: [hello@qilarlind.org](mailto:hello@qilarlind.org)

>>From: [tora@lam.com](mailto:tora@lam.com)

>>Attached: NewHouse+US.png

>>SUBJECT: Thank you for your help

>>RECEIVED: August 31st, 3042

>>

>>Dear Mr. Lindquist,

>> I email you to thank you so much for all your assistance. I don’t think we would have gotten as far as we did without you. Due to this journey, my partners and I realized some very important things.

>>As you might have realized based on the name of the attachment, my partners and I have found a house through one of our acquaintances! It was lovely and off-market, and I probably wouldn’t have said no if it weren’t for our experiences with everybody at Lindquist Realtors and HomeStar Realtors. Thank you so much for your time and effort and energy, and I hope that you have a chance to relax now that we’re out of your hair.

>>

>>Thank you again,

>>Torako Lam

>>Private Investigator

-

From: [olpink@homestar.com](mailto:olpink@homestar.com)

To: [qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com](mailto:qilarlindquist@lindquistrealtors.com)

Qilar,

What the fuck, even. Truly. What the fuck.

I’ll bring the sparkling apple cider.

Olive


End file.
